Letting Go! What's that got to do with communication?

So it’s the end of one busy week and the start of another. Sometimes the weeks just seem to blend into each other in a never-ending blur of meetings, phone calls, training and coaching. Now its great being busy and I love what I do so it’s easy to keep going. However sometimes the internal dialogue gets the better of me and I begin to second-guess myself. In the world of communication the inner dialogue can be our best friend and our worst enemy.

Today the internal dialogue is having a field day about expectations of what I should be doing. After having a restless night and waking feeling less than well I just want to have a moment off. Just a few moments to give back to myself and allow sometime to recover and rejuvenate, but alas the inner dialogue is pushing me to do more…

This is were our inner communication can be a killer, the stern master that wants to take control by forcing you to fulfil an expectation that has been set by the unknown. It is very tricky and will use any means to have you go against the more intuitive side that tells you to stop! The fear of not keeping up with expectations, of not doing what you should or have to do. So what has letting go got to do with communication? Everything!

Sometimes we need to let go of the inner dialogue that desperately wants to control us and force us to do more, to live up to more expectations and to not let the world down. Often we don’t let go of this inner dialogue until we are too sick to keep going or we face a life changing experience. These experiences can be paradigm shifting for the brain and resets the expectation level of the inner dialogue, but can hurt.

With this in mind it is also interesting to look at the outer dialogue and how hooked we get on trying to share our opinion about anything. I am often amused when I get the opportunity to listen to a group of people talking to each other as more often than not each member of the communication desperately wants to share there opinion and ends up not listening to the other preferring to communicate at each other not to each other. Our inner dialogue is a little like this and will tend to talk at us not to us.

So letting go is one of the most important things we can do when we are communicating. Letting go of our need to speak at the other in a desperate effort to prove that we are worth it. The more we can let go the more chance we have of hearing the other and participating in the conversation not trying to hijack the conversation because we need our opinion validated.

Letting go of the inner dialogue and listening to what we truly need will help us to remain balanced, healthy and on track to manifest the things that we truly want or desire.

So letting go is easier said than done. It is a process that takes some practice and as I write this I am battling the letting go to allow me to recover, rest and respect myself. So maybe the first step is being kind to yourself, respecting the beautiful fragile self so that you can honour what you really do need, above and beyond the expectations.  In my case I follow a process that helps me to let go;

Step 1: Be kind to yourself and ask the question what is the kindest thing I can do right now?

Step 2: If you hear yourself saying ‘I should’ or ‘I have to’ or ‘I must’ beware as this is the inner dialogue trying to take control. Do what you truly want to do and if you must do something, as we all do from time to time, rephrase the inner dialogue to choose to do it.

Step 3: Listen, turn your ears and awareness on and listen to what your inner dialogue or the other person is saying. When you have heard what is being said ask a question about that communication that you just heard. This helps you to confirm what you have heard and it shows respect and interest in the conversation. Consciousness gives us the opportunity to participate and from an inner dialogue point of view, change our reaction to what is being said.

Step 4: Let go of what you don’t agree on both internally and externally, try and keep your opinion to a minimum and frame it around constructive communication rather than aggressive opinionated communication.

Step 5: Communicate with people not at people, this goes for the inner dialogue as much as the outer communication.

Communication is probably the most important thing we can do in business and in life. The more effectively we communicate the better chance we have of getting what we want. We learnt from a very early age that if we wanted anything we needed to communicate in one fashion or another.  Often the louder we communicated the faster we grabbed the attention of our parents and the faster we received what we were after.

Now as we grew we realised that there were better ways of getting things than just yelling and so our communication style grew. We refined things to the point that we generally got a lot of what we asked for. Then we were set free out into the big world were we had to restructure our communication style to once again get what we wanted.

Now even though we have all been on a process of learning how to communicate, to the most part it has been unconscious and situational, directed by the people we associate with. Because of this most people don’t really know how to communicate effectively. So this is the start, learn to let go and start to communicate more softly with yourself. Learn to let go of desperately trying to talk at people and start to communicate with people.

Have a great week and be kind to yourself and the world and watch the rewards come back to you.

More on communication next week until then have fun talking with yourself and others.

Regards Marcus

Overcoming the Sole Trader Blues!

Now every once and a while most solo entrepreneurs or sole traders, you know people like us with a staff of one, ourselves, or a small team, goes through the ‘Sole Trader Blues’.  Those times where you feel unmotivated procrastinate and feel less than inspired. Where you sit at your desk looking endlessly into the computer hoping something exciting will jump out at you and fire up that passion you had yesterday. Well believe it or not I had the sole trader blues last Thursday.

There I was sitting at my desk looking into the abyss feeling flat and low trying to find something to inspire me back into action. I know I had a lot of things to do as the day before I was flat out, but do you think I could think of any of them in this moment! Even though I had my action plan list, my sales funnel and my priority matrix I just sat there. In that moment of the blues I could not think of anything inspiring to do. As I scanned my list nothing seemed any fun, actually quite the opposite, everything seemed a chore. ‘Ring up some sales leads’ I thought but no I can’t call anyone when I feel like this and they will probably say no anyway…. ‘Write some more of the coaching program manual’ I mussed, oh God I cant be bothered…. So I just sat there! Maybe I’ll look at Facebook or Linkedin maybe that will inspire me…to no avail. Maybe if I play a computer game that might get me out of this rut….no that just made me feel guilty that I had lots to do and here I was procrastinating. So what to do?

In speaking to a few small business owners last week a number of them talked about being in this rut, maybe it was the full moon, or just a strange coincidence or maybe it was there so that I could write about it in my blog and pass on some handy tips to get you out of the Sole Trader Blues. 

Now the blues can be triggered by many things, a few negative sales calls, the moon cycle, your cycle, a brief moment where you loose hope or loose sight of the bigger picture of your vision or just because. So what did I do?

When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me... opps that's a beatles number no help here or is it? Now seriously when I find myself in this situation and I have the means to be conscious enough to realize the rut that I’m in, here are my top tips to beat the blues, and yes playing some beatles on my guitar is one of them:

1.   Get moving – when you feel flat, down or like you are in the blues the first thing to do is to get moving. Get up from your desk change the scenery and go for a walk, even if it is only down to the back of the garden. Pick up a musical instrument and play it outside. Go for a walk along a river or the beach or somewhere that makes you feel good. One of the causes of the blues can be the lack of movement. If you have been moving forward in your business and suddenly there is a hiccup, lick a few negative sales calls, then you can be placed in a space of non movement or procrastination. The best way to get moving again is to get moving, anywhere.

2.     Take an action – Once you have had a walk or moved from your desk the next step is to take an action. Any action no matter how small and preferably small, will have you moving once again. Get up and do the filling, clean your desk, go to Officeworks and buy that stationary you need or write a blog.

3.     Review hope – Often the place that we go to when we have the blues is that place of no hope, even if it is not conscious, a lack of hope will have us stop and loose sight of what we are trying to achieve. So write a list of all the positive things that are, will, or you want to have happen in your business. More often than not there are some great opportunities opening up and reminding yourself of them is a sure fire way of finding some inspiration to get moving.

4.     Call someone – Now call someone, make a business call that you need to make and talk to another human being. Sometimes as a sole trader, of just you or a few, you can get lost in your own mind. The best way out of this trap is to call someone. It is best to call someone who is going to give you a positive response, so not a sales call as yet, but rather someone you are doing business with who is a supporter of your work.

5.     Go do something - Now at worst if none of the above works go do something you love to do, kayaking on the river, playing tennis, reading a good book, gardening, riding a bike, going to the gym or visiting a friend. It does not matter what you do as long as the doing is something you love to do. This will often kick in the inspiration gene and have us get back on track.

6.     

      Positive affirmations – As you begin to move it is important that you tend to your mind and the thoughts you are having. Regardless of whether or not they started this whole blues thing you mind is a powerful tool, use it wisely. Begin to repeat positive affirmations over and over like a broken record. Some of my favorite affirmations are:

“I think positively only”

“I am totally self confidant”

“I am passionate, inspired and in action”

“I have an abundance of new customers/clients”

“I am totally self worthy”

7.     

      Communicate – At the end of the day the best thing you can do is communicate with someone you trust, love or look up to and ask for help. There is nothing like a comforting word or a strong kick up the backside to get you moving. Because the blues is just that, a lack of movement. This lack of movement could be due to any number of feelings from, its too hard, to I can’t be bothered and any number of negative untrue thoughts.

In my case it was the support of my love one, Stephanie, and a good dose of kick myself up the backside to get out into the world and get on with the job that got me moving again but not after spending most of Thursday morning mopping about. So get into action, get moving and know that what you are doing is important, real and of great value to all of those you touch. Oh and if you get stuck CALL ME!

These ‘Sole Trader Blues’ usually only last for a few hours or a day, however in some cases they can go on for days. If they happen to go on longer than a few hours or at most a day or two then call someone, me, a friend, a colleague, someone that can help inspire you out of the blues. If you feel that your blues are more than just blues and maybe depression please seek the advise of a qualified health care practitioner. The sooner you get onto it the sooner you will be back on top.

Fatigue and the Busi-ness of Life?

I came to the end of another busy week feeling tired, exhausted and fatigued. Pushing myself from one meeting to another in a flurry of action, and as I came to a stop on Saturday morning I realized the pattern. Caught in a pattern that I have been running for many years now, flat out making it happen or fatigued to a stop. A wave of sadness came over me as I realized that my true self is the stillness that resides inside me. That peaceful self that meditates the wisdom of my life, and yet still I run.

It got me thinking of the sub-scripts that the subconscious brain runs that I often talk about with my clients. Those damn beliefs, patterns and fears that we choose to agree with over our lifetime. Now manifesting as a negative interference pattern. And I tell my clients that once you have a consciousness about a thing you can then decide to change that thing….right? Well as we all know it is not as easy as it seems and sometimes that comes down to the level or depth of consciousness we have about that thing. In my case I had some consciousness about it but not enough to completely shift my external experience of that thing, until today!

We had my nieces seventh birthday at a gymnastic centre followed by lunch at my brothers. It was a wonderful day, I got to run and play with my little girl Lucy and see our other two children, Claudia and Brendan, play with her. The love and care they have for her and each other whilst in a group of children is wonderful. Anyway when we got to my brothers the rest of the family had assembled including my Dad. Now I love my Dad but for most of my life he has been the one that I am trying to free myself from and today he gave me an insight. Now when I mean free myself please don’t get me wrong my Dad is a wonderful man, generous, caring and has supported me and my brother far and beyond most fathers. However like most boys and certainly first sons, I have the father wounding that I am trying to heal. So today was another chance but did I take it?

At one stage throughout the day, Dad I had a chance to chat alone for a few moments and in true form he asked me how business was going and again, true to form, I picked all the most positive points to tell him. The opportunities, the excitement of new clients and the underlining message of how well I was doing. At that moment I looked at him and noticed how far away he was from me. It was as if he had not heard anything that I had said. Oh there was the obligatory nod of the head and rhetorical murmurings of agreement and understanding but at the end of the day he was not there. Here I was sharing exciting news that things were going well and he had chosen to disappear. Now the disappearing is not the important part of this story, hell we all have those moments when we disappear from a conversation. No, it was the need I felt to once again prove that I was worthy and valuable….

Here was the driving force behind my need to run flat out and why it is not possible to keep up the pace. In truth this keeping up of the pace is me not living the truth of who I am but rather in the shadow of approval and acceptance of what my father might think is good. Sure like most I can keep up the pace with the best of them however I have had chronic fatigue so energy or the lack there of is my specialty. It is my calling, the reading of energy and sensing the state of myself and others, so now what to do with it…?

At the end of the day it is not the speed at which one moves that is the issue but rather what is going on inside that counts. It is possible to drive a car at 100 kilometers and hour however if you don’t change gear relative to the speed of the car then you are likely to blow up an engine. To complicate matters the alignment of ones own truth must match the energy so that the external performance matches the internal truth. In other words not only do we have to change gear so as not to blow the engine up but we must also have our gears aligned or we will destroy the gearbox. Now at 100 kilometers an hour that could be life threatening. In my case when my gearbox goes I get fatigued and literally have to stop.

There is a great understanding that comes from deep observation. Observation of your own internal scripts that continually run through your mind and observation of the scripts of those around you. To then bring awareness to how those scripts inter play with each other and the effect that these then have.

My Dad’s script is one of having to be perfect, which plays beautifully into mine, which is one of trying to seek acceptance by having the perfect business, life or what ever. Perfection to me is then played out through what I perceive as positive success, the bigger the positive success the better. This continual expectation is not possible to live up to. It is never possible to live up to others expectations. The only thing you can do is live up to your own, that is to meet your own inner expectation that in this life you will live as your true self as much as you can. That is the only expectation we have of ourselves at a deep level and it’s not really an expectation but rather a mantra, a desire to fulfill ourselves. Those that surrender fully to this internal expectation reap the rewards of a full, content and happy life. Those that don’t have to make do with whatever is left.

It is time to live my internal truth and to slow down, become clear, focused and move forward with grace and ease, regardless of the speed of the vehicle. Now I am going to take some of my own medicine and powerfully choose to make a difference. To live the peace that I am, calm and relaxed regardless of the speed of the outside world. I will allow myself to not have the need to impress, or be good, or be anything except that inner peace.

So how do your sub scripts interfere with your success and affect the living of your truth and, what do you choose now…………….?

So be brave and courageously share a little more of yourself this week. In a work or corporate environment it can be the scariest thing to do….but the most important. As one of my clients discovered last week, when you begin to let go and share your truth others are given permission to share theirs. Out of the darkest places the most amazing light often appears. So go and shine this week and let me know what happens and who else crawls from under the veil of a subconscious sub-script self.

If we were all free to perform from this place the world would certainly be better place…

Regards Marcus

Remember: Perform from your core, your truth and you will unleash your true potential...